" I can't describe the pounding in my heart, it beats so strong; it's in your eyes, what can I say, it turns me on."-Prince
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Back in the early days of your relationship sex just happened, right? You didn’t have to put much thought or effort into it. It always seemed to flow. But somewhere along the way, that flow dried up. Most of the time you’re too tired. Or it’s not the right time. Or there’s too much going on to switch off and get in the mood. And if you’re really honest with yourself, sex just isn’t that inspiring to you. When your partner initiates it feels like going through the motions. It doesn’t turn you on and it certainly doesn’t excite you. Instead, it makes you anxious. “How the hell did we get here?” If you’re like most women, you’ve probably come to a seemingly logical conclusion: You’ve got low libido. So then you wonder how to fix that low libido.
But that doesn’t really help, does it? Because low libido feels out of your control – it’s like a mystical mix of hormones and desire that you don’t know how to change. But the thing is, there’s a LOT you can do. many of us have been there; the sex dries up, then guilt and the eventual breakdown of communication happens which will sometimes signal the beginning of the end. However, through a process of healing and discovery, we can learn some ground-breaking truths that can turn the relationship around. Because no matter how long you’ve been together, it’s totally possible to reignite the spark and create a fulfilling sex life that lasts. You can feel excited about sex again. You can feel sensual again. You can get your sex life back. So if you’ve ever wondered how to fix low libido, here’s 7 mind-blowing truths you need to know… and how to start wanting sex again.
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #1: There’s No Such Thing As ‘Libido’ One of the biggest myths ever told about sexuality is this: That sexual desire is a biological drive. I mean, we even call it a ‘sex drive’. But it’s simply not how desire works. Because #spoileralert: there’s no such thing as libido.
Here’s why this libido/sex drive myth does so much damage: It makes you think you’re broken. It makes you think that if everything worked the way it ‘should’, then all you have to do is sit back and wait for your body to tell you when it’s sexy time. That it will ‘just happen’. We expect to get hungry for sex in the same way we get hungry for food. So if you’re not spontaneously hungry for sex, you end up believing your sex drive must be the problem. Or even worse: That you’re not a sexual person. Which would be fine, except that you feel like you’re missing out. You want to be a sexual person. Not only for your relationship but for YOU. You want pleasure, passion, and intimacy. Here it is: It’s not some mythical biological urge or magic libido juice controlling your desire for sex… It’s you. You can decide when you want to be aroused, and you can take the steps to make that happen. But to do that you need to understand how desire really works…
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #2: You’re in the Driver’s Seat The real magic of sexual arousal happens in the brain. And the process is thought to have two control mechanisms: A brake, and an accelerator. Your brake is there to prevent you from getting turned on. It protects you from getting aroused at the wrong time or in the wrong place. And your accelerator is there to get things going. For some people, their brake is super sensitive – the slightest thing will switch off their desire. For others, their accelerator is sensitive – they turn on easily with the right stimulus. You can have a sensitive brake or a stubborn brake. A sensitive accelerator or a stubborn one. Because we’re all a little different like that. So if you want to know how to fix low libido, here’s what this means for you: There’s either something hitting your brake, OR there’s not enough hitting your accelerator. Or both. This is more than simply what you like or dislike in the bedroom though. It also means:
Truly understanding your body, your mind, and your sexuality.
Looking at the unconscious beliefs or worries about sex that are getting in the way of your desire.
As well as the right approach for turning off your brakes and hitting that accelerator.
And the best place to start is by understanding the worst brake of them all…STRESS
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #3: Stress is the Enemy The never-ending to-do list. The overflowing inbox. The everyday demands of parenting, partnering, working, and adulting. Stress is the biggest brake around. And when it comes to desire, it’s like trying to drive with the handbrake on. You’ve probably worked out by now that when you’re super-stressed and busy, you don’t feel like having sex. (Or if you do, it’s rarely satisfying.) And yet we still blame our ‘low libidos’.
But the research is in:
The number one killer of sexual desire and arousal is stress. NOT low hormones. And definitely not a broken libido (‘cause you know, there’s no such thing). Stress hits your brakes and tells your body to turn off. It makes it hard to get your head in the game. And it gets in the way of feeling pleasure in your body. It’s one of those things that’s super obvious, and yet we often need the reminder. Acknowledging the stressors in your life and the impact they’re having is often a breakthrough moment. It’s validating to realize that yes, there’s a lot going on, and yes, it makes sense that it impacts your sex life. So instead of trying to fix your ‘libido’, you can focus instead on addressing the real issue: managing stress levels. Which yeah, is an art. Learning how to effectively de-stress and switch OFF can be challenging, which is why it’s a key focus of any sexual empowerment journey. But you can feel sensual and desire-full again. No matter how lost or overwhelmed you might feel right now.
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #4: Fake it ’til You Make it No, do NOT fake orgasms or force yourself to have sex when you don’t want to. It’s REALLY important that you always honor where you’re at and speak up if it’s a no. Forcing it might seem to keep your sex life ticking along (and your partner happy), but it only hurts you and your relationship in the long run. And faking orgasms stops you both from learning what you really enjoy and how to get you off. Honesty is key to great sex life. But there is a simple mindset hack that’ll help you increase your desire and enjoy sex more: Assume the identity of someone who enjoys and looks forward to sex. See yourself as a sexual person, instead of someone with a broken libido. Which isn’t really about ‘faking it’ at all. Rather, you’re consciously reconnecting with the part of you that does enjoy sex – and turning the volume on that part way up. It may feel like a long-dormant side of you, or a side you’ve never fully explored before. But connecting with that part – no matter how small – can help you look at yourself and your sex life in a whole new way.
If you’re the kind of person who enjoys sex:
You know that your pleasure and enjoyment are important and that it’s OK to ask for what you want.
You take your brakes and accelerators seriously. You take the actions to feel good in your body and that opens you up to sex & pleasure.
You prioritize sex. You make time for it because it’s important to you.
You invest in your sex life by learning new things, being comfortably adventurous and consistently open with your partner.
And you no longer think of yourself as broken. Now, this won’t magically fix all the problems in your sex life. But opening to this perspective supports you to get out of the helpless funk of thinking you’re not a sexual person, or that you have a problem with your sex drive.
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #5: There’s Always a High Desire & a Low Desire Partner When two people come together, there will ALWAYS be one person who wants it more than the other. And ‘it’ can be anything: Like going on vacation to Bora Bora. Or eating Thai food. Or keeping a down-to-the-dollar budget. But few things create as much friction and discomfort as a gap in desire for sex. (Money and family come close but the sexual connection has its own unique sting). It doesn’t always stay the same either. Sometimes you’re the high desire partner. Sometimes you’re the low desire partner. It’s like a see-saw that can move back and forth. How you manage that see-saw is an art and a crucial part of what we teach our clients, and the secret sauce for a thriving, healthy sex life and relationship. But the most empowering thing you can know is this: If you’re struggling with wanting sexless (or more) than your partner, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. And neither is your relationship. It’s simply a matter of learning how to manage the desire gap. Being the low desire partner comes with its own unique set of challenges and uncomfortable feelings. So does being the high desire partner. But learning how to communicate and navigate those waters is the process that takes your relationship to incredible (and pleasurable) heights.
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #6: The Sex Needs to be Worth Having Far too many people blame their low libido or their lack of sex drive when the truth is, the sex just isn’t worth having 😮 They’ll either feel like the sex isn’t for them – that it’s all about their partner’s pleasure. Or they’ve never had an orgasm. Or the sex feels good – but they want something deeper. More intimacy, more connection. Or they simply don’t know what they want, or how to ask for it. Which makes it close to impossible to create something fulfilling. This is especially true for women as our pleasure maps can be a little more complex. And no one teaches us how to read them. (I didn’t even look at my V parts until I was much older, let alone know where my G-spot was. Thankfully, that’s changed). Realizing that your sex life doesn’t excite you can be one of the most uncomfortable truths of all. But it’s also the most liberating. Because once you realize that it’s not your ‘libido’ that has you disinterested in sex, but rather the sex itself, you’ve got a practical starting point:
Discover all you can about what turns you on.
Learn about your body and what it needs.
Introduce new practices into your sex life to make it more fulfilling
HOW TO FIX LOW LIBIDO TRUTH #7: It’s Not About Sex I know I said there’s no such thing as libido. And if we’re still talking about some ‘magic sex sauce’ that makes you want sex, that’s still 100% true. But there’s one way of thinking about libido that can help: Libido is your zest for life. At the end of the day, you’re not going to want sex if you feel burnt-out and uninspired. If you have no time for the things that bring you joy. Or if you’re putting everything else – your job, kids, partner, family, or friends – before yourself. If you do have to use the word libido, don’t think of it as some magic sex sauce. Think of it as the very life force that animates and inspires you. Because most of the time when I hear a client tell me they have low libido, what they’re really saying is “I feel depleted.” Sex isn’t the purpose of libido. Life is the purpose of libido. And sex is one (totally awesome and delicious) way to experience life. It’s a way to feel good. To connect with your partner. To experience a profound sense of intimacy and connection. This is why it’s such a worthwhile thing to prioritize and make time for. But if you’re feeling completely depleted or lost in your life, prioritizing sex may not be the first place to start. Your ‘libido’ isn’t something you need to fix. It’s not a part of you that’s broken – it’s your soul asking you to take a look at your life and find the fire again. So there’s no pill or quick fix that’ll make you want sex (sorry) because there are really good reasons why you don’t want sex – and those reasons need to be addressed:
Maybe it’s stress hitting the brakes.
Maybe there’s not enough hitting your accelerator.
Maybe you’re burnt out and there’s nothing in the tank.
Maybe your sex life needs a complete overhaul.
But the most empowering thing is that once you know what the real problem is, you can take the correct actions. So remember: It’s no longer a question of how to fix low libido. Instead, it’s about looking at what’s really going on in your sex life, in your relationship, and in your life more generally, and creating positive changes to feel more fulfilled.