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Black male masculinity in a relationship...

“Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them, and each mind perceives a different beauty.”-David Hume


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There are certain traits that we heterosexual women look for in a man. Things like kindness, intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a well-oiled perspective. I like to call it seasoning — it’s those underlying sexy qualities in a man that really sets a woman’s heart ablaze. That being said, what one woman might consider a deal-breaker about a man’s personality may simultaneously be the reason another falls in love with him — beauty really is in the heart of the beholder.



Give me a black man with natural charm, an open mind, and a great sense of humor, and I’m totally down for his company. I am a woman who can truly appreciate the different and often unique perspective a man will offer on any given situation, too. The way black men are wired, how they think and behave, is frequently delightful and at times — really amusing. I admire the black male physique and how he contrasts and feels against my body, and honestly, there is no better feeling in the world to a woman than snuggling into the arms of the man she loves. For a woman like me, her man’s arms are the sweet, safe place away from the world, as her own sacred slice of masculine security. Simple, and yet, there it is — a black man’s masculinity is the one quality essential to us as black women and I’ll tell you why — only a black man can bring that pure, masculine dynamic into a situation, and above all else, a woman like me is most attracted to a black man who makes her feel like a woman. It doesn’t matter how independent, ambitious, or strong we are either. We could be ball-breaking CEOs who have clawed our way to the top in a male-dominated corporate world or could be creative souls who regularly experience the resistance offered by our male counterparts in the industry. Regardless, when it comes to our personal relationships, what a woman most really appreciates about a black man is how his natural masculinity makes her feel when she’s around him. A real black man is a man with genuine self-confidence and true masculinity. He’s a man who knows his own mind and knows what he’s about in life, and he’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes in. When a black man has these qualities, he has a natural self-assuredness that makes him stand out head and shoulders above other men, and women feel an instinctive sexual attraction towards him because he has what it takes to protect her and provide for her, allowing her to relax into being a woman in the relationship.



No matter how fast the world transforms with shifting gender roles, some things never change. Like the energy between men and women. Not to mention that a black man who possesses strong masculine energy and knows how to embody that part of himself, is downright sexy. And, seasoned.

That’s because the saucy, black masculine man is someone who is emotionally stronger than your average dude, ready to face the fire when necessary, and much more masculine in the way he thinks, behaves, and takes action in life. Though right now, black women the world over are struggling to find him.

How come? I hear you ask.


Black men have long been emasculated in America. They were purposely separated from their families during the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and today they continue to be separated from their families due to the prison industrial complex. During and post-slavery, their genitals were also taken as trophy pieces during and after lynchings. This was done to cease reproduction, prevent sex with white women, for entertainment and it was also a warning sign to keep other black men in check.

From that gruesome point in American and black history, intertwined with systematic oppression and economic disparities, black men have been forced to defend their manhood. Out of externally forced insecurity, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, and other oppressive subtle and blatant dogmas were born and to this day very prevalent.

Before the term Metrosexual became the latest buzzword, there was once a time when men used to be the real deal. These now rare creatures had more style than the hair care section of a fashion magazine and followed a certain code of honor that involved treating each other and all women with respect. Unfortunately, those days are now a thing of the past. For the most part. Of course, there are black men around who have their affairs in order — who have a backbone, the strength of character, and authentic presence; and who embrace their universe-given, musky masculinity like the men they are. They’re just, well … uncommon. In a number of conversations I have had with my partner, I wasn’t surprised when he whole-heartedly agreed that many of his counterparts have increasingly lost touch with their masculinity. Granted, this is a man who is clearly in sync with his own fragrant male energy; he also owns every bit of who he is, has the heart of a lion, and still believes in the ever-dying art of chivalry — never have I witnessed him disrespect a woman in any manner or form, nor have I seen him run for cover when life throws him an unexpected loop.


In fact, one of my partner’s most admirable traits is that he is a fighter and not a flighter, which is a hallmark quality of masculinity. His deep sense of protectiveness over me and our children makes me feel safe and secure in the knowledge that he has my back, and that’s important to a woman. Another contributing factor of the decrease in masculinity may lie in this entire era frequently dubbed as the “information age”. As far as I can see, cyber-overload are everywhere, yet scarce when it comes to the real stuff like acknowledging feelings, relationships, showing respect, embracing change, and finding courage at a crucial moment.

Right? It’s no secret that the internet has made a serious impact on the way we interact with each other, and social media has snatched away the need for real interaction. The truth is that a whole new breed of black men has emerged from cyberspace reality, or rather, un-reality — and many have lost sight of the true essence of their masculinity. Interpersonal confrontations … people using the internet as a shield, hiding behind IP addresses in order to fool with the minds of women who may genuinely care about them. Ghosting, catfishing, and breadcrumbing — have we become subhuman? Meh.

The situation appears dire, but try not to be too disheartened, dear reader. I did mention that there are black men out there who are in touch with their masculinity and who also remember how to treat a black woman like a queen. Great news. These are the kind of black men who realize that if they can make a woman feel her femininity, then they will have unlocked the key to the one quality she truly needs in a man. Even better news. So, what does this black spirited, masculine-empowered man look like? While there is no such thing as the “perfect man” (or woman, for that matter), there are a few common traits that a black man who embodies his masculinity will demonstrate.

A black man who is in touch with his masculinity…

Knows Exactly What He Wants Let’s be honest — a black man who can make a decision is extremely attractive. Not just about the big things, but the small things, too. He knows where he is taking his woman for dinner, or which cozy cabin in the woods he plans on spending a week together away from the world. This guy makes it his business to know her business, too, because he understands that her desires impact his own in a vital way and that love is a two-way street. Her wants, needs, and passions are an important part of his life. No matter what the circumstances, real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs, and minds of women as they are for their own. A masculine black man possesses that zesty spark in his eye when speaks of his ambitions, dreams, and plans for the future. He’s got drive and purpose that matches the love of his woman, and he’s not afraid to take a leap of faith.

Follows His Path and Ignores Adversity None of us can escape those “two-cent” people in our lives who always have something to say about what we are doing, who we are, and who we want to become. Moreover, life has a way of presenting adverse situations and seemingly immovable obstacles along the path toward going for what lights us up on the inside. That is our heart’s desire. One of the most masculine traits a black man can embrace is the ability to ignore those irrelevant opinions and work on his own craft. A real black man will follow his dreams no matter how much reality suggests they are impossible to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not always perfect at this. He might sway off the right track at times when hitting that all-too consuming “dip”, and that’s normal. But he will pick himself up to eventually keep reaching and striving toward his true calling because he knows that being true to himself is the only way to achieve real fulfillment in life — perseverance will ultimately pay off. A black man who is in touch with his masculinity will set his sights firmly on his goal, keep the bigger picture fresh in his mind’s eye, and believe that anything is possible; because it really is.

Exhibits Powerful Body Language Smoking hot is a black man who exhibits strong body language. He exudes self-confidence and comprehends the correlation between his body language and how others see him. His masculine energy demands respect, though he is realistic enough to understand that there will always be obstacles — internal demons to conquer and otherwise. He also knows that with the right mindset and a whole lot of heart, there is nothing that he can’t rise above and overcome, therefore, he stands strong in his presence even when he’s not entirely feeling it. This beautiful man knows that others treat him the way he shows them how he wants to be treated. As a result of the masculine energy that surrounds him, he has no problem finding a way towards what he wants. A man who is in touch with his masculine energy has an inviting body language that attracts others toward him and provides them with feelings of comfort and security.

Knows to Make His Woman Feel Like a Woman He will always treat a woman like a lady. No matter what. As mentioned earlier, the honest truth is that every woman wants to feel safe and secure next to her man. A real man does that for her and more, and he’s not threatened by a woman who can hold her own beside him. No one else has ever shown the mental and emotional stamina to be able to handle who I really am as a woman and my place in this world; The point is that a black man who is solid in his own male energy knows that allowing a woman to freely express herself in his presence is a gift to them both as it creates deeper meaning and balance between the sexes. It’s like honoring the powerful flow of the yin and yang elements, which touches on the purest layers of love. Naturally, when a black man is conscious of uncovering balanced love with his woman he doesn’t just focus on her outward appearance, possessions, or status: he is fully aware that as beautiful as she is now, physical beauty fades with time. Therefore, he will intentionally focus his love and attention on her true beauty, which is found within her sensibilities, soul-essence, and personality.

He will protect his woman physically and emotionally; and is ready to throw a good punch if necessary, to defend her from physical aggressors. A man who is in touch with his masculine energy is someone who will engage his woman in meaningful discussions about life and plans for their shared future. He displays an awareness, intelligence, and sensitivity that makes his actions not only timely but also genuinely charming.


A masculine man is worldly, honorable, and kind-hearted. He doesn’t always get it right, but he is someone who wants to make the world a better place and understands the power of his pure masculinity in its humblest expression — open and loving, with a focus on mindset action. When this type of man is in love with a woman, he will grant her full access to his energetic masculine presence, receive her divine intuitive femininity and hold her in esteem beside him. Moreover, he knows how to be in the moment with his feminine Goddess — the simple act which ultimately gifts her the one quality she needs from her man; his masculinity. Then together, they will potentially create energy that strengthens their bond.


As I end this blog, there is a theme beyond black masculinity at play here; that is the black collective. It will take both masculine energy from black men and feminine energy from black women to gain momentum and movement toward authentic empowerment and liberation.


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